Instead of just-like the rest of the batch that comes from a cookie cutter; I’ve chosen to take a longer path to understand myself and it took me 10 years to learn, realize and experience it all.
Thanks to a decade of adventures in my life that has brought me here.
I woke up this morning, Monday morning, first day of the week with a head rush full of new thoughts and ideas. Surprisingly, it’s not a bunch of random ideas but it’s very clear, achievable and interesting ones that will keep me busy for a while – another business opportunity to possibly non-profit work that will bring people closer to one another… It’s still too early to reveal it all – still need to put some more thought and research into it…
To keep things interesting for readers, just so you know, this is my first attempt to start a personal blog and I believe this is a beginning to keep my thoughts in-line and being able to share it with others. Will this be entertaining, highly doubt it. I’m not a good writer or a journalist. I’m here to bring you a slice of Arnold, that you probably don’t know about and for the first time I am getting over it and putting it aside and for once it’s ok to talk and laugh…
Before you read further, bear in mind that I always get side-tracked into talking about something else. I will ramble on about issues and random things…
Side-track, do you remember, “Julie and Julia”? A movie based on a true story – where Julie was turning 30 and underemployed with an unpublished novel, she then decides to cook a recipe a day from Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” then blogging about it which landed her with so much readers and success… So, here we go, we’ll see if blogging does bring something more…
I’m at 31, trying to figure out what’s next for me? Do I start from scratch or build on what I have? There is not much to build on to begin with, no strong career path, no corporate ladder and full of disappearing acts that raises all the questions in any HR department and to friends questioning how concrete or how shady can Arnold be?
Well, I’m here to stay. It’s like cooking when the recipe calls for specific ingredients to make a good dish. I have completely messed up the shopping part of it, the mise en place as we call it, with all the wrong preparation and it’s time to cook… Whoops! Masterchef doesn’t stop there, I’m going to be like one and turn things around with a pinch of creativity and internalizing the entire process – the final product/dish may be surprisingly good… we’ll see in the next 10-years…
Where do I head next? This worries me… Something I need to act fast on as everyone around me is reaching the age bracket to be thinking of the next phase of their lives – marriage, partners/companionship, career paths, making babies, building a family, investments, new houses, retirement planning and it’s all seems foreign to me to be honest…
Turn to religion with an active faith? Hell no, not me! Not my thing yet and I believe that spirituality with God, if He is there, He will come naturally from your learning experiences, through life, through time and bits of wisdom you gathered from years of living and interacting with the environment you live in.
So, what exactly happened in the past decade? Yes, past 10-years of my life when everyone else is slowly building their bricks on their fortress?
I’ve managed to get away with a lot of things, Laugh Out Loud! The list goes on… while one has a proven track record of performance; my performance comes from keeping myself out of the faces of one or the other: the police, the law, the judge, doctors and medical staff! With bragging rights now, under my belt, I have my Cornell undergraduate degree; PLUS, previous possession of an illegal substance. I was in County jail for 3-days. A restraining order with a count of domestic violence – that was a mistake, I can’t even kill an ant let alone a fight with my ex-partner. I was reprimanded by the judge for not showing up at court with an immediate warrant to arrest which ended up in 6-weeks of jail time in a cell full of roaches with no luxury and amenities at all. My name was inmate #17468, a number that I will always remember for the rest of my life. I have countless 911 emergency encounters with paramedics. I was considered to have psychiatric problems from the aftermath of getting high and was sent to mandatory observation in a closed psychiatric ward for a total of 9-weeks with limited freedom – it was just like a jail for me.
As much as being considered a junkie, I realized that it was not only an escape route to all the issues and problems that were solely caused by my sister, who had been an overcast on my life – at least for the past 10-years or so. She took advantage of my personality and character – stormed and tread through my life and brought me down to the dumps. Directly and indirectly. Absolutely disregard of love for her siblings. Her selfishness is simply ugly and disgusting, to me.
The whole psychiatric problems: Yes, I was diagnosed with a mild case of depression and an anxiety disorder, which is worse when I’m hit with the stress’ fight or flight process. My heartbeat goes up, extremely sweaty hands and my speech somewhat stutters. Xanax or Ativan should do the trick, Laugh Out Loud.
To further that, when I was watching one of my favorite drama series, Prison Break, Season 1, I realized I probably have the syndrome: ‘Low Latent Inhibition’. Most patients with this has a higher percentage rate of addiction problem. I do admit I HAD a bit of an addiction problem – but no longer. What’s interesting about ‘Low Latent Inhibition’ if mixed with a slightly HIGH IQ can be a very creative person. I don’t know if I am – but being a Gemini with a caring personality, remembers things in images rather than numbers, can be extremely focused and observant who may catch the smallest details… I’m quirky and emotional… and slightly weird, I guess.
If that wasn’t enough for the past decade, I don’t know what’s enough…!
I just know no matter how tough the road ahead lies in front of me, I just have to keep on walking and never give up. It doesn’t matter how others see me. Judgment and criticism simply just gives me more strength to endure the hardships. I remind myself constantly to believe in myself, in my abilities, in my dreams, in all the hard work and most importantly believing in the word “love”. How ‘love’ can change me, you, and everyone else that is around you.
Now looking back, these adventures were a palate full of colors, which reminds me of the rainbow flag where everyone should know that the colors of the flag represents a big part of the LGBT Pride Movement in the 70’s and celebrated diversity in a community. Gay’s, LGBT focused on diversity and acceptance for the past 40 years and has never changed in principle – why can’t everyone be a part of it and learn the art of acceptance?
Btw, the colors of the flag actually represents: Sexuality, Life, Healing, Sunlight, Nature, Magic/Art, Serenity/Harmony and Spirit. Very meaningful words that I can relate to in every twist and turn of my life.
That’s enough for a day… till next week, more on me, interesting subjects, thoughts and ideas – the past, the future, and the plan ahead.